So I wrote a really long entry a couple days ago but then my internet connection died and I lost the entire entry and gave up and went to sleep. I guess I should probably write since I haven't said anything in a while. Presently I really don't know what I feel. I kinda had a week of being overly emotional and upset a lot and then I had a week of forcing myself to completely internalize. Then I saw the shrink and spent over half of the session being detached but it got to me cuz it made me want to scream so I ended up letting her get to me and was in tears. Then I started hating myself. Wanted to hurt myself when I got out and almost tried to bash my head against the wall but then a person came so I wasn't really able to do it hard or anything. After that was an almost 2 day depressive episode in which I basically slept a lot and didn't really get out of my bed much at all. Since then idk where I really stand. Saturday afternoon I went out with my roommate and went to the mall, had icecream, and saw a movie and it was kinda fun. Since then I guess I have been internalizing but less forced. I haven't really been trying so hard to control my mind because I really don't know what I think or what I want to do. I was thinking about it tonight and I have been in pretty good mood when I am at school and have been managing to function. Yesterday I managed to spend over 3 hours writing a paper and finished it tonight. Honestly I should have written the paper weeks ago, but the fact that I managed to do it without freaking out is something that is normally difficult. I seem to be pretty "happy" during the day. When I get home I have a lot of anxiety and have been depressed. I haven't let myself get completely consumed by it but I definatley feel it. I think the pressure of it is getting to me though because I keep having chest pains and been doing the weird thing where I kinda can't move for a couple seconds. I freaked my roommate out yesterday cuz she was sitting with me in the library and I kinda collapsed in the couch and apparently my eyes rolled back in my head and I wasn't responding because I can't move for several seconds. Idk, its weird but it happens sometimes. Idk if I have just been dehydrated or if it is stress or what, but I guess it doesn't really matter.

So as I just wrote all of that I feel like it is something that I might let my shrink actually read. It pretty much sumarizes how I have felt for the past week or so. I really feel like I should write more but I am not very focused at the moment. I guess I will try to write more later when I can think more.

Hi.
Would you like some company, in the mental trap you find yourself in?
They say misery loves company.

I can relate to alot of what you're writing.

Even though, it's been ages since I've dropped by I have to admitt, I was always captivated by your open expression. I admire how you're able to do that.

God Bless you 'Cat'
I'll continue to pray for you.